I think I'm having a nervous break down here. I got so fed up with my life, just wanna start a new one, but cant leave the old one. I am having a common burnout.

Tante Yayiek suddenly drop by to our house with Tante Baby, Tante Yenny and Tante Lulu [there's so many aunts in my family eh!]. Anyway, they suddenly come up without any notice. Ope got so panicked and run upstairs. The atmosphere in the house got so tense. Tante Yayiek just wanna use the internet here to send some emails. But the tense, I couldn't take it any longer. After they left, Ope cried and trashed up all her feelings to me. I tried no to think about it, but her depression got into me a little. It makes me reconsider my life that I'm going thru now. I kept on telling her, that no matter how deep you got hurt by someone, you still have to be nice to them, with no excuse. Coz that's what we suppose to do.

Then suddenly, it strucked me... Those words are actually a confirmation for myself and all that I'm dealing with right now. No matter how hurt you are, you still gotta stay in your 'good' attitude. It's not because of your reputation or others feelings. It's because that's the only way for you, yourself, to get healed. It's hard, but it's the only way to survive. Judges was right, that kind of thinking and that kind of character is a gift that you developed in long times of suffering, with lots of energy wasted and hearts wounded. It needs a desert to got that character. It needs persistence, it needs courage, it needs trust, it needs patient, it needs faith, it needs sacrifice, it needs hope, it needs love. Above all, it needs a decision.

Have you got any idea how bitter I am then with my aunts? ... All they can do is only gossiping people around, blackmailing others for money, taking other's houses. In short, they'll try everything they can do to earn more money for themselves. Sometimes I just wanna slap them on the face, or planed something to ruin their lives. God knows I wanna do something so they can feel as miserable as me and my family is now. They even gossiping my school ... and my love life with others.
What kind of human being are they? And they're still related to me, isn't that humiliating??

I tried to find comforts for this, but I cant find one. Jedi has been so busy, and he already got so many things in his mind, I dont think he would even wanna hear mine. Since he date that woman, he care so much less for me than he used too.

I have to move out from this house in the end of the month. I havent told anybody about it. I just wanna runaway. I feel so ashamed, so bad, and nobody wants me anyway. Not even Jedi. No, not even him.